Crispix.

The great thing about breakfast cereals is how easily the great equalizer, added sugar, can blur the line between adult and child varieties. You can buy your Kaboom, your Urkel-O's, your Fruity Yummy Mummy, all of which are fine and dandy, but a simple two or three tablespoons of pure sugar added to a bowl of Crispix elevates that plebeian staple of corn and rice to something altogether different—a sweet, crunchy, hexagonal paradise of grainy goodness. Plus you can pretend you're eating well, even while each spoonful yields ever greater degrees of carbohydrate-fueled euphoria. The half-inch layer of refined white sugar in every spoonful just means you're keepin' it real. And that's good eatin'.



Consumed: Kellogg's brand Crispix breakfast cereal (1 bowl, plus milk and added sugar)

Fluff.

After a long drive back from New Jersey, I'm now settling in with a late-night snack of what is soon to be, with any luck, the official state sandwich of Massachusetts: The Fluffernutter. Concocted of one part original recipe marshmallow Fluff to one part Peanut Butter & Co. brand Mighty Maple peanut butter and generously slathered betwixt two pieces of bleached white bread, it is the perfect regressive snack food.



Consumed: Fluffernutter Sandwich (1)

Holy god.

Eating a slice of mystery-liqueur-infused chocolate cake from Konditor Meister, courtesy of a co-worker's colleague at [name of publication redacted]. Sweet fancy moses, it's like a giant strawberry-topped chocolate orgasm. In my mouth. I need to go sleep it off.



Consumed: Chocolate cake (1 slice)

Hello.

I would like to begin by thanking the good people at the National Biscuit Company for making Double Stuf Oreos.



That is all.

Consumed: Double Stuf Oreos (4)